|stream of conscience
||[Jan. 23rd, 2016|01:40 pm]
I apologize in advance for the randomness of this post. I will be writing as things come to me.|
The first thing on my list is confusion. I am confused about a comment my husband made to me as he was coming in from shoveling today. It was the last thing that was said before I went to finish what he started, so it's now the first thing on my mind when I came in.
The scenario was this: Our son was screaming "Daddy, daddy" at the door of the garage, which we just came in. We were coming in to warm him up since we were out there for a ilittle while and his cheeks were rosy red & cold. When hubby came in I said, "He just wants his Daddy". He replied, "Well, it wasn't as if I had a choice." I said, "Yes, I could do it." He said, "Then it would take six months." I couldn't reply, since I didn't know what to say. He had our son by then and brought him in the house and our son was still screaming (I think he wanted to go outside some more). I went outside and shoveled while some tears poured out of my eyes. I soon took out all my aggression on the snow and got it off of our deck like hubby wanted. I come in to both of them napping in our son's room.
Obviously there is something underlying that he hasn't said to me and I can't think of what that may be. What is there around the house that he has wanted me to do in a more timely manner? That's the first thing I will ask when he wakes up, since he's holding something back.
Me, I'm holding everything back by not writing my feelings down more. Circumstances are thus: I was terminated from my computer job at the end of May 2015. I applied for unemployment and received that and something from my company. Hubby said that he supported me trying to build up my massage practice so that's what I started to do. Went up to visit with mom in July for a week & it ended up being two weeks (just me and my son). Went up again around Labor Day and then again at the end of September, when mom passed. Since then I've started to work with two different chiropractors and added another day at the second one. We went up to MI for Thanksgiving to see the family and work on the house. Not a lot got done then or around New Year's, so I recently went up myslef and a lot more got done.
Am I still grieving? Yes. I think it's the anger stage now, though wtith my hormones in play I'm not sure (weepy). There are gemstones that I haven't done much with, maybe hubby's thinking of them. I actually think I'm avoiding working on them because of how hard it will be emotionally for me. Boy do we really need to talk, and not just about our son. I'm going to start reading more and one of the first books I'll read is the one on couples communication because what we're doing isn't working right now. Not with the comment he made.
Thanks for reading the ramblings. I feel a little better.